Перевод песни Bo Burnham - Can't handle this

Can I say my shit?
Can I say my shit?
I’ve got lots of shit to say
I’ve got lots of shit to say

I can’t fit my hand inside a Pringle can
I have a huge amount of trouble
Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can
I can get my hand like four inches in to the can
But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth
But by that point a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
So they all go spilling onto my face

What I’m trying to say is that the diameter
Of Pringle cans is way too small
I’ll say it again
The diameter of Pringle cans is way too small
Two radiuses of a Pringle can is way too small
If you feel me, put your hands up
Come on!
If you feel me, put your hands up
Look at all these hands
that are way too big to fit inside a Pringle can
Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can
Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can
You think you can, I know you can’t
You think you can-
Pringles!
Listen to the people, I am sure
ninety percent of the complaint letters you get
Are about the width of your cans
Just make ’em wider
I’ve overdone the Pringles thing
Sorry

I want to have a daughter
I want to have a daughter
So I can finally have someone around the house
who can fit their hands into Pringle cans
Yes, I’m still on the Pringle cans thing!
Yeah!
I’ll move on, alright?
But that is priority numero uno
I don’t go to the gym
Because I’m self conscious about my body
But I’m self conscious about my body because I don’t go to the gym
Irony can be so painful
That’s a Catch-22
Let’s do this!

I went to Chipotle
I went to Chipotle
Got myself a chicken burrito
I went down the line, I got like all these ingredients
And then at the end of the line
The guy tried to wrap the burrito
But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out
And he still wrapped it
I was like, dude, you should have warned me!
You’re a burrito expert
You should have told me halfway through!
“Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here”
Do you think I want a messy burrito?
No one wants a messy burrito
The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients
are contained within the confines of the tortilla
I wouldn’t have gotten half the shit
if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit in the burrito!
Alright? Look!

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got
Half of it
I’m okay with small mistakes
If you’ve got no more chicken, I’ll take pork
But I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork
I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t have got half of it like
Half of it like
Half of it like
Half of it right now
I think it’s time
I think it’s time that we break it down

I can sit here and pretend
Like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans
And burritos
The truth is, my biggest problem’s you
I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
But I want to say what I think
And not care what you think about it
Part of me loves you
Part of me hates you
Part of me needs you
Part of me fears you
And I don’t think that I can handle this right now
Handle this right now
I don’t think that I can handle this right now

I don’t think that I can handle this right
I don’t think that I can handle this right
I don’t think that I can handle this right
Look at them, they’re just staring at me
Like come and watch the skinny kid
With a steadily declining mental health
And laugh as he attempts to give you
what he cannot give himself

Think that I can handle this right
I don’t think that I can handle this right
But they don’t even know the half of this right
But they don’t even know the half of it
But I know I’m not a doctor
I’m a pussy
I put on a silly show
I should probably just shut up and do my job
So here I go

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit
I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t
I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t
I wouldn’t of got half
You can tell them anything if
You just make it funny
Make it rhyme
And if they still don’t understand you
Then you
Run it one more time

Think that I can handle this right – OH!
Handle this right – OH!
Handle this right
But you don’t even know the half of this right now
Right now – OH!
Now
Handle this right
Handle this right
Handle this right now

Thank you, good night
I hope you’re happy