Перевод песни American Dad! - Trapped in the locker

3:30, in the afternoon
I should be doing my homework, inside my own room
But, bad luck, got me messed up
I’m in the locker room and now I’m stuck,
Guess I’m a goner now
See I was walking, Snot was talking, I remembered something
I forgot to grab my wallet because I was rushing
Then he said, “I’m finna go my grandma’s house”
I shrugged and I turned around
Back to the school but then who did I found? (Murtz!)
Oh no, this not who I want to see
Was runnin’ ’til I saw an opening
And now the whole soccer team’s bound to freak! (yee!)
She’s approaching the locker, they’re done practicing soccer
She’s opening the locker, wish there was some way to block her

So these, girls pull me out of the locker
Talkin’ ’bout, “What the hell you doing up in here?”
I’m like, “Hold up (beep)
You need to lower your voice, do I make myself clear?
She’s like, “Woah, who you calling a (beep)?”
I’m like, “You”, she like, “Who?”
I’m like, “You (beep), wait, hold up
Let me explain all the shit I’ve been going through
Now let’s start over, my name’s Steve,
It’s nice to meet you ladies”
“Cut that bullcrap Steve, we know that you’ve been acting shady
So listen close, cause this what we are gonna do
When someone is creeping, we call in Jewel”,
Not Jewel! “Yes Jewel”
Oh no, Jewel looks like a grown ass man
Fourteen years old, at least 250 pounds
She’s coming at me, and this is when things start to get foolish
The roof caved in, on top of her, oh my God, it’s Lewis!

3:47, in Principal Lewis’s room
This fool is having a panic attack, I hope this is over soon
He was talking ’bout, “Budget cuts,
No pest control for months
I wasn’t perving or looking at butts
I was in the A.C. hunting for rats, I swear to God”
Man, that’s your business, not my business,
I don’t need no update
“I got a new woman so we need to get our stories straight”
We? What the (beep) you talking ’bout, man? There’s no we
“Steve, if my new woman hear about this, she gon’ leave (choo!)
Wait, what the heck was that? Sounded like a rat”
Then he pulled out a Jericho nine millimeter, started busting
And just when I thought it couldn’t get more scary
When he opened the door, the rat turned out to be secretary Mary

So I’m, speeding down the street
Reaching for my phone about to have a fit
I’m calling the one dude
Who can help me out of this mess (bring)
Come on Snot, I need you (bring)
To pick up the damn phone right now (bring)
And the next part’s so jacked up that it hurts! (bring)
The dude that picked up wasn’t Snot, it was Murtz!
Hello?

I’m tripping, what the heck is going on?
Maybe I called the wrong number, and got the wrong phone
But, the doors are open, smells like potpourri
I walk in and what do I see? Snot and Murtz playing Risk!
I’m betrayed, my favorite game, you’re playing with this bully?
What, now y’all close?
Wait, you’re drinking milk and cookies?!
Snot was like, “Listen”, no no, no no no
“I can explain”, well then, go ahead and explain yourself
Then Murtz jumped up, said,
“I’ll explain so that you two will cool it
See his dad died and my dad died and Risk is therapeutic”
I was like, “Amen”, Snot was like, “Amen to that, I love Risk”
“I love Risk too”, damn, you all bonded over Risk? That’s beautif-
Principal Lewis kicked in the door
Waving a .44, talking ’bout “Don’t speak, don’t move no more”
But Snot’s mom came in and said,
“Lewis baby, put down that gun and uncock it”
And that’s when we noticed,
They was wearing, the very same locket

Now we all on the floor feelin clueless
It’s hard to believe that Snot’s mom was banging Lewis
Then Lewis says, “It’s been a hell of a day
I’m glad this whole thing is out,
Wait, why you wearing a negligee?
How you even know that you was fittin to see me?
And whose clothes are those thrown over the TV?”
And Snot’s mom was like, “But-but-but-but-but-but”,
Stuttering all over the place
And Lewis said,
“Girl unless you got Parkinson’s, start talking straight”
“Baby is everything okay?”
“Wait, hold up, I know this ain’t the dude
That’s the reason for the cabaret lingerie”
Then Lewis starts waving his gun around
And busting shots off in the closet
Then Greg fell out, cried,
“Avery, how could you be so dishonest?”
Snot’s, mom, screamed, now Greg’s pager’s flashing blue
He says, “My bae’s got a clue”, next thing his man is in the room
Seven minutes later, twelve adults with they guns out
Talking about you (beep) her and I (beep)
Him while they all scream and shout
Then, Principal Lewis started laughing
Just sitting there, giggling to himself, just laughing
He said, “Well now that we’ve all made the connection
I hope everybody was using protection”
And they all started laughing because of course nobody had
Snot’s mom, Greg and Stelio and this new couple Gina and Chad
They was all just laughing, just giggling and laughing
And we snuck out while they was laughing…

Steve, I don’t know why you’re telling me this now,
And I don’t know why you’re singing the whole story,
But your dad and Roger are about to play in the finales!
Okay, singing may’ve been a bad choice,
But that’s a crazy story, right?
Wait, did Lewis murder his secretary?
The finales, Hayley!